Towards the end of goblinAmerica's tutorial level, you mercilessly gun down a huge cherry tree. Like much else in the game's world, the tree is an abomination – beige and rubbery as a stunted hatchling, with hard, tacky fruit hanging from it like dumbbells torturously sewn into the skin. Its death throes are pathetic, and somehow erotic. It sags and sprawls, breasting across the arena boobily with an undefinable cry. I am happy that this creature is slain, and hope never to encounter its like again. I know in my heart that I will.

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