Premature Evaluation is the weekly column in which Steve Hogarty explores the wilds of early access. This week he has been aping Walter White in an ill-advised game about making drugs called The Pusher. Please do not ever honk chlorine and vinegar; it is a terrible idea and would kill you.
Developer: Forester Games
Publisher: Forester Games
Release: Out now (early access)
On: Windows
From: Steam
For: 4/$5/ 4
As a cool person, I know everything there is to know about drugs and drug paraphernalia, such as bongs and what have you. In fact, you ll often find me hanging out with my fellow dope-fiends in what we in the business call a drugs hole , where we take weed, cocaine, and the rest of the types of drugs that there are. Hey, quit hoggin all the drugs! is a phrase you ll often hear me say as I wrestle over a silver platter of that sweet, sweet sugar with a dozen Vice columnists, sending plumes of that good sherbert flying everywhere.
Drugs are my absolute favourite, I would later declare as I pat my swollen tummy, which by this point would be filled with a hot stew of illegal narcotics, but no sooner have I finished my sentence do I immediately drop dead. Dead of drugs. The Vice columnists, who I naively thought were my friends, scatter into the walls like counterculture cockroaches. And so my body rots there on the floor, alone in the drugs hole, until I m just a skeleton and the coroner can only identify me by my marijuana leaf ankle bracelets. Instead of a corpse, my grieving mother has to bury an old mannequin that they ve dressed in my uncle s pyjamas. I don t sound so cool now, do I? Not very cool at all. Don t do drugs.