Good morning, Koala City! Troubling reports are pouring in from folks all across Koala City about coffee being thrown at customers and picnicking families being hit by pancakes at the park. Worse yet, we have heard reports about tables being flipped causing massive mayhem and destruction. I’m Annie. And I’m Richard.
We now go to our favorite talking table correspondent - Randall Table. You may recognize them for their coverage of the Antique Rebellion of ’87 or the Furniture Hootenanny from last week. Welcome, Randall.
Randall Table: “Thank you for that amazing introduction Annie and Richard! I’m here with Belcourt, the manager at our local 24 Eleven where we believe our suspect began his flurry of jobs.”
Belcourt: “Well, it was an employee’s birthday and I followed our company’s policy of giving out a stale, vanilla cake with a side of overtime without pay. Mopping sticky floors and scraping cheese from the microwave. What more could they want?”
Randall: “Excuse me sir, I don’t think employees would want to work more as a gift.”
Belcourt: “What do you know? You’re a table. A T-A-B-L-E! That’s right and the next thing I see is a peeved employee tossing toilet paper and flipping our breakroom table over at me. Me! Five time 24-Eleven manager of the year as voted by me.
Randall: “Tell us more about this table that was flipped over.”
Belcourt: “It was a regular folding table from UKEA. Light gray, I think?”
Randall: “A tragic end for a table that was just assembled three weeks ago. Next up, we’re speaking with Travis. He claims to live next door to our serial table flipper. Travis can you…”
Travis: ”Yes.”
Randall: ”Uh… yes what?”
Travis: ”Yes.”
Randall: ”Can you explain to our viewers how you know the suspect?”
Travis : ”I got this new telescope and like every Thursday I was looking through it right into their window. They have a bunch of cats and a new VRBoxStation too.”
Randall: ”Do they have any tables?”
Travis: ”Oh yeah, there was a coffee table right next to their couch. Nice sturdy table until they flipped it over trying to hit me for stealing a cat!”
Randall: ”We hear the table is in stable condition and is being repainted as we speak. Next up we have two witness from the local grocery store.”
Sherren: ”Sonny, be a good table and help me pick up these prunes? I have an expired coupon for a tub of I Can’t believe It’s Not Prunes.”
Dylan: ”Yo table, can where’s the flour? I need to bake a cake for my pet lobster’s birthday.”
Randall:” I just… is there anyone here who will take table flipping seriously? Wait! This just in, it looks like we’re seeing LIVE a table…er…it’s a wagon! A massive wagon that has been flipped! Let’s interview that wagon table thing.”
*Randall sprints to Moo Moo Farms to the now flipped wagon/table.”
Randall: ”Oh my. You poor thing! Can you move?”
Macktina Wagon: “Dadgum that kid threw me far. Must’ve been 2-3 wheat fields, I reckon. And I was just fixin’ to help Farmer Summer carry hay for her cows.”
Randall: ”How did this happen? How did you end up flipped upside down?”
Macktina Wagon: ” Well, Farmer Summer rolled me out today with bales of hay. The cows weren’t bitin’ and this young whippersnapper was hired to feed them cows. They seemed peachy keen at first. The first day they even brought our scarecrow back to life and made it hop in the fields. Can ya believe that?”
Randall: ”Honestly. No, and I’m a talking table.”
Macktina Wagon: ”I swear that scarecrow was dancin’ during lunchtime. Round then is when it gets 110 in the shade. I think the heat got to our new hand. The next thing I know hay bales were flyin’ and cows were knocked over! Shortly after that, I just went a flyin! Now here I lay on top of this here broken barn.”
Randall: ”You witnessed this firsthand folks. Hero of the common man or a terror upon our precious local tables. You decide!”