FROM THE DESK OF THE JOBSWORTH PARISH COUNCIL
A Message from Cllr Joe Frame
Hi everyone! How are you all doing? What a 2025 it’s been so far, the village of Jobsworth seems to be going from strength to strength. Granted, the start of the year hasn’t been without its challenges. We all felt the the pain when a crucial telegraph pole collapsed causing a major mobile network outage for over a week, but not to worry! It’s been all fixed and I type this to you now with all four bars!
In the spirit of dry January and New Years resolutions, I’ve decided to kill two birds with one stone (something that would get you a lifetime ban from the Jobsworth Wetlands) and undertake a water fast. I read about the concept of water fasting after briefly scanning the headline of an article in "Men’s Health". I’m happy to report for 30 days now I’ve had ZERO water. Instead, I’m relying on a careful balancing act of soft drinks, alcohol, and caffeinated beverages to ensure my hydration is appropriate and my energy levels don’t dip too high or too low.
I’ve recorded my routine from this past Monday in detail so any of you who might want to give this a try can do so:
MORNING - I wake up, immediately make and drink black coffee. I have breakfast (2 boiled eggs) with a big glass of Tropicana (no bits) and we’re off to the races.
10:30AM - I start getting pretty thirsty at this point but not a problem. I order a large caffe latte from the integrated Wild Bean Cafe at the BP Garage. It’s heavy milk to coffee ratio is bound to keep my well hydrated enough to serve the people of this great village.
LUNCH - First pint of the day - just a light ale so I can keep my mind sharp during the tough negotiations with the Heartinglye Borough Council ahead.
POST LUNCH - I sit at my desk with a big can of Monster Energy, ready to set the world to rights.
2PM to 2:10PM - I’ve found I’ve needed to allocate a decent 10 minutes for what used to be fairly routine urinary tasks. When I get back to my desk, I take two painkillers swallowed down with a shot of Bovril.
DINNER - I enjoy a Jack Daniel’s and Coke with dinner. I find the smoky whiskey combined with the confusing Coca Cola patented recipe really works as a great accompaniment to the sausage, mash and chips I’m eating.
EVENING - I settle into my big chair with the fire on and a copy of the Daily Telegraph with a nice big glass of cognac. This puts me into an almost trance-like state so I go to bed, but not before putting a big glass of Tango on the bedside table should I get thirsty during the night.
Let me tell you, Jobsworth, I am practically gasping for that sweet first sip of Volvic on the 1st of February. It’s going to be absolutely glorious and might do something about these migraines I’ve been experiencing.
Anyway no real council news this month! I wish you all a very fair February and I’ll speak to you all again in four short weeks.
Cllr Joe Frame
Community Spotlight
The People of Jobsworth Facebook Group
Something a bit different for the Community Highlight this week: we’d like to draw your attention to a group of techno-savvy Jobsworthians who have colonised their own little corner of the WWW (world-wide web).
Jobsworth has been proud of its strong relationship to Meta (formally known as Facebook) since its very early days. We were one of the first villages to claim our little corner thereby making “The People of Jobsworth” almost certainly one of the longest running village community pages on the social media giant’s platform.
The famed group had its humble beginnings as a safe place to recommend a plumber or a fishmonger or dissuade new residents from any takeaways that had a relaxed attitude towards food hygiene. The group has morphed and transformed into a helpful community of, and I don’t think they’d mind me saying, busy bodies who are the first to report on any anti-social behaviour in all corners of the village.
As is natural with tribes, once they grow to a certain size, rules need to be enforced which can sometimes create sub-tribes, cliques, or rebel groups. For the past 12 months “The People of Jobsworth” have been embroiled in a bitter rivalry with “Jobsworth Online”, which takes a much more laissez-faire approach to rule enforcement - unless of course, you disagree with any of the administrators. I’d recommend any resident to join both groups and then remove yourself from whichever conflicts the most with your personal political perspectives.
Local News
"Holy Hit and Run!" by Reggie Corville
After such a beautiful piece written in the last edition of this newsletter, we’re very sad to report that a Fiat Punto has hit the flint waist-high wall that beautifully adorns St James The Less church. Unfortunately, only the make, model, and colour could be determined from the incident after part of the front bumper was ripped from the car after hitting the masonary. If you see a red Fiat Punto that needs a serious repair job, please contact Reggie Corville at your earliest convenience.
"Trouble in Telephone Towers" by Dr Alan Houseman
The first Sunday of January; the sense of renewal and potential at what the new year could hold. The gentle rainfall pitter-pattered against the single glazed window of Greener Pastures Nursing Home as Mike York, electrician extraordinaire, attempted to change a fuse. Suddenly and without warning, a great bang was heard outside. Mike turned to look at his faithful partner in crime, the resolute utility pole standing on the corner of Coastal Road and Holpot Road. She was in a great pain, the strain too great after a long full life of active service. With her last breath, she let out a great sigh as if saying “O happy dagger, this is thy sheath, there rust, and let me die.” And thus, the telecommunications facilities of the Jobsworth community were affected for a lonely seven days and seven nights before Vodafone finally replaced the pole.