Welcome, esteemed potential investors in the S2P Corporation!
Are you ready for the financial opportunity of a lifetime? Sure you are, or you wouldn’t have let our unmarked van drive you to this bunker in the middle of the desert! But I’m sure you want to know a little more about our company before you generously open your wallets.
S2P. The Simply Secure Paperclip Company. Secure Staffing Procurement Agency. Even the Sugary Syrup Pancake Factory!
We’ve been known by many names, and had many fronts, over the past eight decades since our founding in 1939. Our mission, however, remains the same: procure and eliminate supernatural, paranatural, and paranormal threats.
[Contained and extremely safe Quarantined Entities.]
From defeating werewolf Nazis in World War II, to facing off against robot laser squids in the Cold War, S2P has been there on the front lines, defending the world from total annihilation. Over the years, S2P has evolved along with its threats, growing from a pure containment mission to a proactive research organization with bases around the globe. There’s no better way of understanding an enemy than by catching it and studying it to see what makes it tick. And there’s no better way of defeating an enemy than by reverse-engineering a serum from its blood that will make it explode upon impact!
[Marvelous machinations!]
These marvelous advancements in technology, however, do not come cheap. You can’t put a price on freedom or safety—but you can put a price on nitrous-oxide flamethrowers. Which is why S2P has always relied on the kindness and generosity of the private sector and investors such as yourselves.
Thanks to investor funds, we have been able to expand from a handful of facilities in the contiguous United States to over a hundred compounds worldwide. From laboratories to QT (or Quarantined Entity) holding cells to nuclear-grade missile silos, S2P is the proud umbrella corporation of a thriving ecosystem of divisions.
Take, for example, Section 6, known colloquially as “Northwest”. After entering the expansive marble lobby and passing through our two dozen security screeners, you can visit the Cryptoveterinarian offices on the third floor, take a peek at some cutting edge grenades in Experimental Weapon Research and Development on the eighth floor, or stop in to get your 2030 taxes assessed in the Fourth Dimensional Accounting Department. (Just don’t get too creative with your deductions, or you might have an unscheduled meeting with our Paradox Department!)
[Our state-of-the-art weapons testing facility.]
Your money will not only go a long way towards securing the future of all of S2P’s ventures, but becoming an investor also comes along with its own very real perks, such as joining our alluring and mysterious Board of Investors. If S2P’s many facilities are its lifeblood, then the Board is its head, making the big decisions and steering the entire company towards success. Having been without a single-leader system since the 1940s, S2P has always relied on the stability of a quorum of intelligent voices and vested interests to turn S2P into the global superpower it is today.
[One of our many biotech labs, where ethics is one of several priorities.]
We thank you for consenting to let us blindfold you and bring you here today for this presentation. We hope it has not only been informative but exciting. Donuts and our signature SuperCoffee™ will be made available in the lounge on your way out, and we hope you will be ready to make your decision to invest before the private helicopters arrive to take you home. If you have time, please fill out a comment card to let us know how you enjoyed our presentation and what psychological effects it may have had on you.
On behalf of us all: welcome to the S2P family!