I'm currently working on implementing achievements for an update, and even though I've done this before and should KNOW how to do it right, I accidentally set them live for everyone to see, even though it's not possible to unlock them in the current version of the game.
The achievement update should be coming soon so you don't have to wait too long, but I just wanted to let everyone know that even though you can see a list of achievements, you can't actually unlock any of them yet. Sorry for the confusion. In my defense the Steam backend is some eldritch crap a lot of the time lol