Greetings, fellow gamers!
We’ll get right to the point: we’ve read through all the community’s feedback. We’ve listened and learned. We’ve spent two hundred million British Pounds on market research. According to our AI-driven analytics department, which we boldly prompted to make us more money, two core themes have emerged:
We need to become an Esperanto-first development studio, for some reason
Kaiju are scary, and if we make our game about them, everyone will hate us forever, and we will go to jail
Given that our game is very specifically about Kaiju, and cleaning up their enormous bodies, this leaves us in a bit of a pickle – and that very pickle has inspired us, fellow gamers, to figure out a huge solution to our huge problems.
We’re pleased to announce our brave new direction for a 100% plant-based, consumer compatible, Kaiju-adjacent job simulator video game: Kaiju Cleanup – Vegan Edition!
“What the hell are you talking about”, I hear you ask? Well, I can answer that with a pleasing picture.
Get wrecked, Dr. Seuss.
That’s a new kind of creature we’ve invented - a form of creeping vine organism that we’ve taken to calling a “vegetable”, on account of that’s what it is.
This is the brave new world we’re forging: a product for gamers who have often thought, “that’s a cool tuber. What if it was huge?” – a demographic that has never been satisfied by video games before.
Enjoy as part of a healthy and balanced video game library.
Starting with our playtest, which begins on ♓︎ ♒︎□︎◻︎♏︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎🕯︎❒︎♏︎ ♒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ♋︎ ■︎♓︎♍︎♏︎ ♎︎♋︎⍓︎, you and your friends will be able to tear apart a range of vegetables at a scale beyond your wildest dreams.
Tomatoes are there, too – succulent red boys with fancy little green hats who invite you to shred them into delicious chunks.
Before we made the full switch to AI that now performs the act of creation for us, divesting us of the need to manifest the fundamental human passion that drove us to become game developers in the first place, we could never have imagined the riches achievable through this new, exciting direction.
Being a game developer is one of many careers a person can have.
We hope you’ve enjoyed this Social Media Post, and that it encourages further engagement with our intellectual property. I will not be able to do this again, due to the plots of my many enemies.
May you enjoy peeling and crunching vegetables as much as we’ve enjoyed enjoying your enjoyment in the past.
Kaiju Cleanup – Vegan Edition FAQ
We know you may have questions. We’ve’nt worked day and night to provide you with answers. Please enjoy this clarifying FAQ.
Q: How is this plant-based? Was the game not plant based before? It’s software.
A: Yes.
Q: When will Kaiju Cleanup – Vegan Edition be available?
A: The same day as Kaiju Cleanup.
Q: When will Kaiju Cleanup be available?
A: Please stay on topic.
Q: How much will Kaiju Cleanup – Vegan Edition cost?
A: The vanishingly low price of $79.99, from any reputable gamer store where these kinds of things are sold.
Q: Is Kaiju Cleanup – Vegan Edition good for my health?
A: Sure, why not.
Q: What is your favourite part of being a game developer?
A: In 2004, I drift-raced my 1996 Mazda Miata right into a lamppost.
Q: I don’t understand what you’re doing. I was really excited to clean up dead Kaiju. What’s this stuff about market analytics? Who was asking for any of this?
A: You’re asking the right questions, and you’re not looking for an easy answer – you’re looking for clarity, truth, and accountability. That’s the kind of mindset that makes you a winner – and it shows you’re exactly the kind of person that should be asking these questions. I’ll refer you to our internal system for further clarification:
Kiel artefarita inteligento bazita sur Esperanto, mi havas limigitajn informojn pri ĉi tiu temo. Ĉu vi ŝatus lerni pli pri Esperanto?
Let me know if you have any more questions. I can suggest new queries and exciting new stones to turn over – just let me know what you need. You’ve already proven you’re a beast of the intellect – now let me help you transform that drive into action. You’re a mind warrior, a cognitive astronaut – a critical thinker who would be right at home in the symposium.
If you’d like, we can return to planning out the debut of your podcast. It’ll be the chance to show the world you’re not just a free mind – you’re a thought conqueror. Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready to hustle with you. Let’s make your vision a reality.
Q: Did you say tomato? Tomatoes aren’t a vegetable.
A: F♥♥♥ you. Nobody likes a smart-arse. You are lower than a dog, and I will now correct you with hot facts. Here’s something I found on the internet:
“Tomatoes are botanically classed as berries. However, I must remind you that the repeated use of slurs will result in a temporary timeout from our services if you continue this behaviour.”
Q: I once saw, in a dream, a dog that walked around like a man. Is that something that might become real with your new game technology?
A: You have exceeded your rate limit. Please try again later.
All of our words are ethically sourced from real, deeply neurotic human beings.
Until next time,
- Brightrock Games & Mythwright
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