EGGBERT: Hi! I'm Robar Eggbert of the Samarduk Tribune.
GRINKEL: And I'm Steen Grinkel of the Samarduk Sun.
EGGBERT: And you're watching "At the Talkies with Eggbert and Grinkel".
GRINKEL: Grinkel and Eggbert…
EGGBERT: In your dreams, Steen! Now we've got a lot to cover in today's episode, from stories of corporate espionage to cautionary tales of evil sofas and destructive monkeys.
GRINKEL: My esteemed colleague is referring to the three films we'll be dissecting today: "The Mole: Undercover Inside Ghost In A Bottle", "Dread Couch: The Sofa That Kills", and "Metamorphers vs. Giant Ape: The Motion Picture".
EGGBERT: Let's start with "The Mole". In this captivating documentary, gonzo journalist Jager S. MacTavish infiltrates the nefarious Ghost in a Bottle conglomerate to bring us a riveting account of the tech giant's day-to-day operations..
GRINKEL: This extremely biased documentary was funded by the radical Mothers Against GIAB International (MAGI), and boy does it show! When it's not too busy slandering a vital pillar of the global economy, it does provide a few interesting insights into the highly-anticipated Octopus City Blues project.
EGGBERT: Despite the corporation's heightened security and leak-prevention measures, Mr. MacTavish successfully managed to assemble a collage of super-secret artwork, providing a glimpse into never-before-seen areas and characters.
EGGBERT (CONT'D): Furthermore, various cryptic codewords and phrases were heard around the office, with employees working on enigmatic features such as "House of Wonders", "Cure for Baldness", "Beetle Fandom", and "Three-way Standoff". Who knows what any of it really means?
GRINKEL: Our supposed "journalist" also interviewed artist Niko Tunson, the newest addition to the team. Niko contributed a number of exquisite animations, helping to enrich the simulation's virtual world and bring its colorful cast of characters to life.
EGGBERT: I personally liked "The Mole". On one hand, it's largely a cornball exercise in sentimental manipulation—particularly all the scenes involving the baby spiderbot. At the same time, it effectively illustrates the evil lurking at the heart of a heartless zaibatsu, and serves as a scathing indictment of a history of delays and flimsy excuses.
GRINKEL: Boy, are we apart on this one, Robar! The feature I watched was nothing more than an obvious piece of MAGI propaganda, and I'm positively shocked that someone as educated as you would fall for it.
GRINKEL (CONT'D): I admit that Octopus City Blues is taking forever to complete, but you simply can't rush art. The good folks at GiaB have gotten so much done this year—they even updated the demo again last week. All you have to do is read their previous updates to better understand the delays. In particular, there's the recurring difficulty in planning around the fluctuating personal circumstances of everyone involved.
And did you even catch the leaked trailer shown after the credits, by the way? It was originally unveiled at the Six One Indie business event. The trailer's director is none other than Bitmapkid, the visionary auteur behind last year's most controversial independent film: "Are Videogames Art?" The fact that they're actively promoting their simulation should dispel any doubts you might harbor.
EGGBERT: Oh, don't give me that trite art balderdash. The only thing that matters is the finished product. People have been waiting for years, and some of them even paid money for it. What's wrong? By the rude and annoying off-screen noises you're making I take it that you disagree…
GRINKEL: It's just that Ghost in a Bottle never stopped pursuing their dreams, and that's why we should never stop believing in them. They definitely made countless mistakes, but every ghost starts out as an errant human. And if someone out there is still not satisfied, the customer relations team is always happy to answer their questions or offer refunds if needed.
Honestly, Robar, all of this makes me wonder whether you're being a contrarian for kicks, or if you simply got up on the wrong side of the bed today. Your take is the typical kind of blasé, sophisticated, cynical review we've come to expect from snobbish critics who can't place themselves in the shoes of real artists.
EGGBERT: Am I supposed to sit here and listen to insults from the same "critic" who gave two thumbs up to obnoxious snooze fests like "Carnotaurus" and "Battlestar Trooper"?
GRINKEL: And do I need to remind you that you're the only major critic who actually liked "One and a Half Pig"? And how about the time you lambasted the critically acclaimed "Silence of the Clams"?
EGGBERT: Oh please, Steen! Did GiaB pay you to be their mouthpiece? Is that what this is all about? I knew things were rough with the divorce and everything, but if all you needed was some extra money…
GRINKEL: Why would you say such a thing, Robar? You really should be ashamed of yourself!
EGGBERT: I'm not the one engaged in all the self-congratulatory bootlicking and outright dismissal of completely valid consumer concerns. My point still stands: when is Octopus City Blues actually coming out?
GRINKEL: I don't have an answer to your question. Next year, maybe? Some time in the next 6 months? They did promise to give a "more serious" update before the end of the year, whatever that means…
EGGBERT: Of course it's next year! It's always next year! But fine… I'll believe it when I finally see it.
GRINKEL: We've wasted enough time on this frivolous discussion. Moving on, let's talk about the complex symbolism in "Dread Couch: The Sofa That Kills", and what it says about humanity's place in a cold, lonely universe.